第1章下巢求生指南：论如何用门板让绿皮脑补出弑神巨剑

Survival Guide for Those Leaving Their Nests: How to Use a Door Panel to Make the Greens Imagine a God-Slaying Giant Sword

Zhang Yuan wakes up to find himself drenched in acid rain from the Warhammer 40K universe. Good news: he's been picked up by a grumbling, down-on-his-luck old merchant ronin who, in his drunken stupor, has changed the name of his family's "empire's strongest financial product"—the Merchant Ronin Agreement—to Zhang Yuan's! Bad news: the Orks are here, and the old man, to cover him, charges into the Orc horde with the "Last Laugh" pistol (the real "Last Laugh"), which has a 30% misfire rate. To save a little kid, Zhang Yuan swings a lightweight alloy door panel—as light as a takeout cooler lid—at the Orks. But to the Orks, it instantly transforms into a "giant sword radiating the holy light of the Second Brother!" The more the Orks fear him, the harder he swings, carving out the title of "Emperor's Chosen" and turning the hive into "Zhang Yuan's Pleasure House" with his worshippers. Until the new planetary governor, rubbing his hands together, packaged him and his two remaining disabled brothers as a "tithing special" and sent them to the Astronomical Army. Upon boarding, the female Inquisitor, who always assigned him "suicidal" missions, unexpectedly found his exposed trade agreement—it appeared to be stained with the Emperor's old nasal blood… no, the Holy Blood Seal! Now, the Inquisitor is frantically running to verify this "noble installment contract." If valid, Zhang Yuan, whom the governor had just thrown onto the battlefield like trash, might soon return to use the Longfellow family's interstellar treasury to buy the governor's golden toilet to use as a chamber pot. "If only I had stuffed in a couple more green toes when it was buy-one-get-two-free…"—a governor, slumped in the rain, was contemplating a cosmic-level financial blunder.

张远一觉醒来，发现自己正被战锤40K宇宙的下巢酸雨淋成落汤鸡。好消息：被一个骂骂咧咧的落魄行商浪人老头捡到，对方喝高了居然把家族“帝国最强理财产品”——行商浪人协议继承人名字改成了他！坏消息：绿皮来了，老头为了掩护他，带着30%哑火率的“最后笑言”手枪（真·最后笑言）冲进了兽群。为了救个小屁孩，张远抡起一块轻得像外卖保温箱盖的合金门板冲向绿皮。结果在绿皮眼里，那玩意儿瞬间成了“闪耀着搞毛二哥圣光的开天巨剑”！绿皮越怕，他拍得越狠，愣是杀出了“帝皇神选”的名头，带着一帮崇拜者把巢都打成了“张远快乐屋”。直到新任行星总督搓着手，把他和仅存的两个残疾兄弟当“什一税特惠装”打包送进星界军。登舰时，那位总派他执行“必死”任务的女审判官，意外捡到了他露出的行商协议——上面疑似沾着帝皇他老人家的陈年鼻血…哦不，圣血印！现在，审判官正狂奔去验证这份“贵族分期付款合同”。如果有效，那个刚被总督当垃圾丢上战场的张远，可能马上就要回来用朗费罗家族的星际宝库，把总督的金马桶买下来当夜壶了。“早知道该买一送二的时候多塞俩绿皮脚皮…”——某位瘫在雨中的总督，正在思考宇宙级理财失误。