第一章 朕成夹心饼干了

I've become a sandwich

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Also known as: “This Useless Emperor Won by Lying Flat”

One morning, she woke up to find herself turned into the puppet emperor of a war-for-supremacy story, surrounded by ambitious armies all eager to seize her as a tool to command lords in the name of the Son of Heaven.

She made a decisive choice—to follow the Wei faction. Why not side with the protagonist, you ask? Because the protagonist was a ruthless schemer, the kind of man who’d rather betray the world than be betrayed by it. Following him meant she might not last a few days before being sent to the afterlife with a cup of poisoned wine.

Though the Wei clan never unified the world, they endured the longest. Even the protagonist was forced to drag out a war of attrition against them until they finally collapsed. By her calculation, Wei Ying—the most formidable master of the Wei clan—lived to the age of eighty. Only upon his death could the protagonist finally achieve unification.

If she chose Wei, she could live to eighty as well. Just right. No need to die early.
What better choice could there be? Who would complain about gaining an extra eighty years of life?

So, without hesitation, she followed the Wei clan’s masked woman, the one who wore a fearsome ghost-faced mask.

Unexpectedly, the other factions refused to accept it unless she showed that it was her own voluntary choice. They pressured her to make her stance clear to the Wei woman.

So, Tian Tangjing leaned over and smacked a kiss onto the woman’s cheek, drawing astonished gazes all around.

She kissed without the slightest burden, completely ignoring the way the Wei woman’s cold gaze grew increasingly complicated. From then on, she had secured herself a long-term meal ticket: for eighty years, she could lie flat as a useless emperor, never lacking food or drink, enjoying safety under the close protection of another.

Until her wedding night, when she discovered that the woman she had married was none other than Wei Ying herself.

Wei Ying—the very same iron-blooded general who could kill without batting an eye, who had guarded Shanhaiguan, developed the Far East, and shattered the Donghu tribes.

Tian Tangjing: Is it still too late to pack up and run?

At that moment, Wei Ying pressed close with forceful intent:
“Your Majesty kissed this minister’s daughter. Surely you mean to take lifelong responsibility?”

Tian Tangjing shrank her neck: Weakly asks—if I refuse?

Wei Ying sneered:
“Then your bones will be ground to dust—and scattered together with mine.”

Tian Tangjing: !!!

But who could have expected that their days together would grow more and more flavorful, surprisingly harmonious—if a little too intense.

The very protagonists who were supposed to seize the world ended up turned by her wife into her own right-hand men. They abandoned the struggle for the throne, competing instead to help her govern the realm.

Years later, Tian Tangjing stood atop the Star-Picking Tower, overlooking the vast empire, unable to resist sighing:
“When it comes to the strongest person at living off their partner, none can compare to me.”

“Your Majesty, still want some peaches?” Wei Ying reclined lazily on the beauty’s couch, gazing at her.

Tian Tangjing: “Mash it into peach pulp for me. I only love the soft kind!”

PS:
Ordinary useless emperor × Earth-shaking goddess-general

Theme: Blooming and bearing fruit even in adversity.

正文已完结!又名：《朕这个废物躺赢了》一朝醒来变成争霸文的傀儡天子，面对各路大军抢着对她行挟天子以令诸侯的野心。她果断选择争霸势力之一的魏氏，若问她为什么不选主角。因为主角是枭雄，宁愿他负天下人，所以跟了主角没准过几天就被一杯毒酒送上西天。尽管魏氏最后没有夺得天下，可却是活到最久的势力，连主角都只能跟魏氏耗时间才把魏氏耗死。她算了一下魏氏最牛逼的主子魏影可是活到八十岁，八十岁去世，主角才能完成统一。她选择魏氏，活到八十岁刚刚好，不用立马就死。多好的选择。谁会嫌弃自己多活八十年。于是她毅然而然选择跟戴着恶鬼面具的魏氏女子走。没想到，其他势力不甘心，硬是要她摆出自己是主动选择的态度。要她对魏氏女子表示一下。田堂静吧唧一口亲在魏氏女子脸蛋，迎来诧异的目光。亲完毫无负担全然不顾魏氏女子冰冷的目光逐渐复杂。自此她就找到了长期饭票，当八十年的废物，躺平，吃喝不愁，还有人贴身保护别提多安全。直到新婚之夜，她才知道自己娶的就是魏氏最强的女人。魏影。就是那个杀人不眨眼却镇守山海关开发远东地区的割据势力，把东胡打爆的克星。田堂静:现在收拾包袱逃跑还来得及吗？而这时魏影咄咄逼人靠近她:陛下亲了臣女，可是要终生负责。田堂静缩缩头:弱弱问一句，如果朕拒绝呢？魏影冷笑:挫骨扬灰，和臣的一起扬了。田堂静:!!!后来谁知道她们把日子过得越来越有滋味，倒也和谐。只是有点用力过猛。原本该夺得天下的主角们，被她老婆变成她的左膀右臂。天下都不要了争着要协助她治理江山。直到数年后，田堂静站在摘星楼上俯瞰万里江山，忍不住感叹一句:论吃软饭最强之人非朕莫属。陛下，还吃桃吗？魏影斜坐在美人靠，懒懒看着某人。某人:给朕碾成桃泥，朕就爱吃软的!ps平平无奇废物天子x惊天动地女神军候立意:在逆境中开花结果